There are no part-time virtues
"If she is going to be a b***h to me, then I'll be a b***h to her."
I understood my colleague's frustration. Despite our coworkers' claimed values, her actions frequently didn't match. Instead of being focused on growth and giving positive feedback, she was very defensive, shut conversations down, and got very personal in her attacks.
And that's not even mentioning the passive-aggressive messages.
It was that last point that had triggered my colleague this morning. The thinly valued questioning of her intelligence (made far worse by the final emoji) ironically exposed her own mistake.
Now, after months of wearing down, my colleague was ready to pounce.
So I shared my perspective.
Don't let someone else's faults infect you
I get it, the passive aggressive messages drive me made too. But I'm just going to try and stick to my values, even if she doesn't stick to hers. I don't have to let her bad habits make me worse.
I realise this makes me seem like a hero, the truth of the matter is I had frequently failed to live up to this statement (oh the irony! And perhaps the reason for the very grace I was extending).
I'm also aware that, at times, there was some cowardice in avoiding raising her issues to avoid conflict.
Yet things had changed in the recent weeks. I had got better at being direct in my comments and specific in what I didn't like and what would help me more.
I was finally starting to live the values I wanted.
Being the change we want to see
Right now, it feels like the world is in a downward spiral.
"They are bad and doing bad things, so we need to be bad back — it's the only way they'll learn."
But as the old saying goes,
"an eye for an eye makes the world blind."
Or as Jesus said
You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ 39 But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. 40 And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. 41 And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles (Matthew 5:38–41, ESV)
The only alternative is to embody the change we want to see. Or to put it another way, to embrace full-time virtues.
Full-time virtues
A virtue is a characteristic that is good and valuable. Traditionally, these were seen as permanent traits we should cultivate. But now they seem to be reversed for the worthy recipient.
If someone is rude, we can be rude. If someone isn't part of my team, then I don't have to treat them well.
This isn't a repercussion for their actions, it's "treating people as they deserve".
But that's just not how virtues work.
As I said, a virtue is the way we should act towards everyone, whether they deserve it or not.
It's not at all about their character; it's entirely about our own.
